Do you like tournament movies, the kind with a bunch of fighters from around the world taking on one another with different styles until only the last fighter remains? You know, like Bloodsport? Then you might end up enjoying this goofy period piece written by, starring, and directed by Jean-Claude Van Damme. An old man … Continue reading The Quest (1996)
This is the kind of movie where the title is said in the first ten minutes. If that doesn't tell you what you're getting into, you're about to get an education...the hard way. I'm sorry, that was bad. I apologize. While on a mission in Romania, John Payne's brother gets killed. Payne (played by Michael … Continue reading The Hard Way (2019)
It is the future. Solar flares have led to environmental catastrophe. A once proud America is now a mixture of totalitarian states, gang territories, and warlord fiefdoms. With everyone scrounging for the scraps, who are the few good people left to rely on? A woman with a bare face runs through darkened streets and alleys, … Continue reading Karate Cop (1991)
No, I don't know why Shredder and the Terminator are hanging out back there in that poster. I also don't know why the USA was stylized as a pseudo-swastika. And Contra has nothing to do with this. Yeah, it's another bad ninja movie...which means it's a great ninja movie. Ninjas attack rent-a-cops and steal a … Continue reading Sakura Killers (1987)
The title in this film comes from a line where a Japanese doctor says he cannot use a shotgun and will kill his enemies in "Japanese style," to which our overly-muscled hero with flowing locks replies while holding a pistol that he'll do his killing in "American style." Nice. Robert Z'Dar is a criminal named … Continue reading Killing American Style (1990)
Yet another example of an awesome movie poster (if not also totally ridiculous) that doesn't actually represent what the movie is about in any way...well, outside of that costume. She really does wear that, except for whatever the weird armor shoulder pad and fur cape is. Also, there are no futuristic guns in this, folks … Continue reading Battle Queen 2020 (2001)
Ah, the 1990s, when the mullets and male ponytails of the 1980s had transitioned to the bad guys, along with designer suits featuring shoulder pads. Now all the villains are massive body builders with leather do-rags, and they run in pricey restaurants and upscale hotels. It was truly a magical time, where you could spot … Continue reading Night Hunter (1996)
So much about this movie is gloriously painful. So, so much. First and foremost, the acting is awful. The script was written by a man who had never written one before, and he apparently spent long nights each night revising it. As a result, vital scenes are missing and were likely never filmed. Dialogue often … Continue reading No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)
That poster makes no sense. None of that is in this movie. Three students of the Ninja Empire have stolen the three pieces of a golden statue which provide invincibility to whoever controls it. Now the Ninja Empire is after them, but the three students have their own men at play who fight each other … Continue reading Ninja Terminator (1985)
Don "The Dragon" Wilson is a secret service agent in a future world where a corrupt CEO has successfully implemented robots into the Department of Justice, completely circumventing the need for the judicial system. Unfortunately for Don, the senator he is protecting is completely corrupt and backs the Cybercore corporation to the point he is … Continue reading Cyber Tracker (1994)
