If you own a failing farm, and you find a secret room in your barn with a scarecrow stuffed away inside, and your kid then claims it's evil, do you put it up? Fuck no! You burn that bitch to the ground, salt the freaking earth, and move to the next God damn county, because … Continue reading Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (2009)
Cool poster. Terrible movie. First off, I don't think the main character actually ends up called Gunan. Instead, it sounds like everyone is talking about his name being Zukahn or Zhukan or something beginning with a 'Z'. Second, he doesn't end up the king of anything. He kills a guy that's a warlord, but there … Continue reading Gunan, King of the Barbarians (1982)
This is also known as Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions, because Clive Barker likes making sure his name is on things. Good old Clive Barker. He gave us Hellraiser, Nightbreed, Candyman, and a whole bunch of other movies not really worth remembering compared to all of his writing, video games, art, action figure line...I think … Continue reading Lord of Illusions (1995)
What the hell did I just watch? Howling 2 is apparently a direct continuation of the original The Howling, only now with Reb Brown and Christopher Lee joining forces in Transylvania to fight the werewolf sorceress Sybil Danning. You see, Reb Brown's sister has been killed, only Christopher Lee arrives to reveal she is actually … Continue reading Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)
Ok, 1982 happens. Conan the Barbarian comes out, and to everyone's amazement, it's a hit. Folks immediately move to cash in, and bam, the Sword and Sorcery fantasy subgenre moves into the exploitation sphere that had been inhabited by the likes of Italian Sword and Sandal movies two decades before. Sorceress sounds like something a … Continue reading Sorceress (1982)
Does that poster look cool to you? Well too bad, the movie's nothing like that. I decided recently that I've been watching too many good movies, so I thought it would be best to watch something completely abhorrent, and man, did I succeed. Did I ever. Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders is ostensibly a children's … Continue reading Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
Cultural tastes and etiquette definitely transform over time. While this has been a sticking point in literature for years (Adventures of Huckleberry Finn certainly comes to mind), it also holds particularly true for film. Unfortunately for 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, this is one of those movies that used a device once a cultural norm … Continue reading 7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964)
Movie Reviews by a Mook 