I can sum this movie up in two words: vampire clowns. Ok, it's more than that, but ultimately, it's vampire clowns. Do you hate vampires that act a lot like zombies? Do you hate clowns? If you said 'Yes' to either of those questions, you probably won't like this movie. For the rest of us...do … Continue reading The Night Watchmen (2017)
Ladies and gentlemen, today is the first day of the 2019 Cannes Film Festival, so I thought I'd celebrate by talking about a very particular horror movie filmed guerrilla style around the festival. Is it exploitative? Yes? Is it sleazy? Hell yes. Am I pandering? Of course. You should have figured out by now that … Continue reading The Last Horror Film (1982)
A college student named Billy Batson dies in a traffic accident. His uncle's ghost shows up to take him to Heaven, but he's way more preoccupied with getting laid, so he tries to go back to wooing the lady he couldn't make it with. Hijinks ensue. That's the movie, folks. It's over, go home. If … Continue reading School Spirit (1985)
While watching Ghoulies IV, I had a mental breakthrough: I believe I hate myself. Ghoulies IV is not a good movie. It's not even a good Ghoulies movie, and that's an incredibly low bar. The budget on this was so tiny, they couldn't even afford to bring back the Ghoulies puppets from previous films; the … Continue reading Ghoulies IV (1994)
Thank God for Troma. Monster in the Closet is a spoof on 1950s monster movies and their extreme straitlaced paranoia. A monster comes out of closets and attacks residents in a small California community a little north of San Francisco. A young man who desperately wants to become a journalist gets the story as a … Continue reading Monster in the Closet (1986)
Hey, two college horror movies back to back. Now how do you like that? It's weird how themes come up sometimes. They're also both terrible, which doesn't really make things any better. I can tell you right now, the title of this movie pretty much tells you what to expect, first in that the premise … Continue reading Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1991)
A serial killer named Jack Frost is captured accidentally by a small town sheriff. He swears revenge before being sent off to be executed, but a tragic traffic accident results in his being exposed to a chemical which causes his body to meld with snow. As a result, he becomes a killer snowman, and he … Continue reading Jack Frost (1997)
It's Halloween, the most wonderful time of the year. A 9-year-old boy named Dougie who hasn't yet figured out his incest fetish is happily awaiting the arrival of his hot college coed sister. He's also addicted to a game made with what was at the time Macromedia Flash that involves a kid helping torture, maim, … Continue reading Satan’s Little Helper (2004)
The star of Gremlins ends up having to face off against the forces of evil in a wax museum, where all of the exhibits are actually parallel dimensions trying to get human sacrifices so that the eighteen most evil creatures in history can then be revived to walk the earth. For the most part they're … Continue reading Waxwork (1988)
The sequel to Ghoulies takes place in a carnival, though this time the actual ghoulies feel like way more of the focus instead of some undead Satanist magic crap. As a result, I ended up liking this movie a lot more than the original. The little demons run amok in a funhouse, they kill a … Continue reading Ghoulies II (1988)
