No, I don't know why Shredder and the Terminator are hanging out back there in that poster. I also don't know why the USA was stylized as a pseudo-swastika. And Contra has nothing to do with this. Yeah, it's another bad ninja movie...which means it's a great ninja movie. Ninjas attack rent-a-cops and steal a … Continue reading Sakura Killers (1987)
The title in this film comes from a line where a Japanese doctor says he cannot use a shotgun and will kill his enemies in "Japanese style," to which our overly-muscled hero with flowing locks replies while holding a pistol that he'll do his killing in "American style." Nice. Robert Z'Dar is a criminal named … Continue reading Killing American Style (1990)
Back to recently released, high-budget B-movies that somehow got the A-movie treatment. It's a film about giant robots fighting giant monsters. What could possibly go wrong? Ten years after the last major battle of the first Pacific Rim movie, Jake Pentacost makes his living robbing stuff from busted Jaegers, giant mechs with double names that … Continue reading Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)
Right now, you're probably asking why I'd bother reviewing something that made a ridiculous amount of money, featured a AAA budget, and got the major production treatment. It's simple: The Meg has a B-movie heart in an A-movie shell, it stars a variety of actors whose credits include the kind of things I'd happily put … Continue reading The Meg (2018)
Yet another example of an awesome movie poster (if not also totally ridiculous) that doesn't actually represent what the movie is about in any way...well, outside of that costume. She really does wear that, except for whatever the weird armor shoulder pad and fur cape is. Also, there are no futuristic guns in this, folks … Continue reading Battle Queen 2020 (2001)
Let's be honest. If you looked that good sitting on a motorcycle while wearing shades with a bunch of Japanese signs behind you, you'd probably pose like this too. Michael Douglas knows. Shoot, he's probably somewhere doing this right now. Damn right, he is. Nick Conklin is a New York City cop on the edge. … Continue reading Black Rain (1989)
Yep, it's a movie about beautiful, scantily-clad women stuck behind bars in a place run by sadists and supplied by two horny dudes who really need to find a better line of work. Not for their sake, for the prisoners. Collier is thrown into a prison in an unnamed tropical country for murder, where she … Continue reading The Big Doll House (1971)
New York City, 1980s. Crime runs rampant. It's up to one man, a cop-on-the-edge, to... wait, is that Leslie Nielsen? Robert Vaughn? John Vernon? Holy crap, this movie is more Canadian than a syrup-covered fistfight at a Maple Leafs game, with extra poutine. Bruce Fairbairn plays Calhoun, a tough cop in a tough city that … Continue reading Nightstick (1987)
I so wanted this to be a Finnish attempt at Red Dawn. Just think, a bunch of American guerillas taking on the entire USSR, all on the snowy border with Russia. Sadly, we can't always get what we want, so instead of Red Dawn, this is a prison movie. A prison movie staring Chuck Norris' … Continue reading Born American (1986)
Unlike The Exterminator, Part II, this movie does have a sequel. However, Octopus and Octopus 2: River of Fear are radically different in nearly every aspect save for the fact that they both have a giant killer octopus. Oh, and water, but I figured that was a given. Aquatic New York Police Department master diver … Continue reading Octopus 2: River of Fear (2001)
