I love action movies with completely nonsensical, ridiculous plots that exist purely to put some completely miscast action star directly in the path of danger, possibly alongside an equally miscast comedian in a sidekick role. Lo and behold, here's exactly what I want in a film: Knock Off. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a member of … Continue reading Knock Off (1998)
That image makes this movie feel way more Slavic than it actually is. Robots in movies! We all love robots in movies. There's nothing quite like the near-constant whine of robotic joints and servos every single time one moves that makes us cringe and take icepicks to our ears. Seriously, whoever thought this was a … Continue reading Omega Doom (1996)
1980s America. What a fantastic place it was, where any white kid could get a gun and try to solve the world's problems. Red Dawn, Born American, Savage Streets...the kids end up highly armed and, well, often times dead. Wasn't it grand? Enter The Zero Boys. Steve, Larry, and Rip are a paintball team known … Continue reading The Zero Boys (1986)
Physical disability tends to boil into two camps in B-grade or exploitation film: it's there to engender sympathy in the audience, or it's there to provide some kind of handicap for a protagonist to overcome in some way. For example, a movie like Savage Streets features a deaf character, whose purpose is to be brutally … Continue reading Blind Fury (1989)
I can confirm that Tom Selleck's mustache is great no matter the year, no matter the genre. You can practically feel the machismo oozing off of his upper lip's grizzled fur baby. If you learn nothing else today, know that your face will never look as cool as his befollicled nasal undercarriage. And for that, … Continue reading Runaway (1984)
No, this is not a movie adaptation of History Channel's Ice Road Truckers series, though it is about as realistic. Twenty-six miners end up trapped in a Manitoba diamond mine after a methane pocket explodes. With the miners running out of air, local companies and the Canadian government attempt to send in three wellheads to … Continue reading The Ice Road (2021)
Ah yes, Tenet, the movie Christopher Nolan felt would be best in theaters packed full of plague lungs. Love it, hate it, but never forget: you'll leave with your memories, possibly a headache, and even a potential hospital visit. Thanks, Chris. Despite the back and forth debacle over worldwide release dates, it's still a big … Continue reading Tenet (2020)
Do you like tournament movies, the kind with a bunch of fighters from around the world taking on one another with different styles until only the last fighter remains? You know, like Bloodsport? Then you might end up enjoying this goofy period piece written by, starring, and directed by Jean-Claude Van Damme. An old man … Continue reading The Quest (1996)
Australian stuntmen engage in covert missions, perform death-defying stunts, and drink and shag women whose names they don't remember! Huh, the “stuntmen” part of that sentence seems redundant. Steve Hall and Rodney Cann are a couple of stuntmen working in the Australian film and TV industry in the 1970s. The two are undeniable thrill seekers, … Continue reading Deathcheaters (1976)
It's a 1980s movie with 1980s music set in 1950s style in which a surprisingly liberal army recruits women, the cops openly ask for bribes, and racism is still a thing. Also...leather overalls are a thing. This is what director Walter Hill dreamed about as a kid. He must have had an interesting childhood. Fantastic … Continue reading Streets of Fire (1984)
