Man, look at that poster art. It's like if you mixed the poster for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier with Masters of the Universe. That's got to be good, right? Oh, who am I kidding? The answer is most definitely no. Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe is not a good movie, but it is … Continue reading Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (1990)
Women do, in fact, rule. Sometimes this movie is called Phoenix the Warrior. Either way, it's a post-apocalyptic film about dirty women in what amounts to fur bikinis and bondage gear getting into badly choreographed fights and gun battles over the only man alive. Because even in a world populated only by women, we still … Continue reading She-Wolves of the Wasteland (1988)
Ever wonder what a sword-and-sandal reboot of Black Mama White Mama would look like if it were a pseudo-sequel to Spartacus? No? Well, too bad, because now we're gonna talk about The Arena, a film where Americans and Italians show an incredibly attractive black woman from Africa and an incredibly attractive white woman from France … Continue reading The Arena (1974)
It's the 1970s. The American urban sprawl is a crime-filled wasteland of drugs and violence. Gangs openly walk the streets, hunting for victims in the parks, on the subway, and even in the grocery store. What's a guy to do? Why, get a gun and go to town, of course. Death Wish is a weird … Continue reading Death Wish (1974)
Imagine if the folks in Killer Workout made a rip-off of First Blood. Because that is exactly what this movie is. Now imagine if the inept cop from Killer Workout still had his mullet but ran a band of mercs, and it was up to that private investigator from Killer Workout to stop him, while … Continue reading Deadly Prey (1987)
In the distant future of 1999, street gangs have carved out free fire zones that cops will not enter around schools in major cities. These gangs, armed with automatic weapons and explosives, act as their own form of law in these lawless territories, where they murder, rape, pillage, abuse drugs, and do whatever else they … Continue reading Class of 1999 (1990)
If you're wondering if this movie is as bad as that poster makes it seem...yes. Yes, it is. In the 1980s, an evil cult run by an immortal Satanist seeks a magic jewel that contains immense power from an undreamed of age. They also like to hold private parties for teams of buxom women to … Continue reading The Lost Empire (1984)
