This is the kind of movie where the title is said in the first ten minutes. If that doesn't tell you what you're getting into, you're about to get an education...the hard way. I'm sorry, that was bad. I apologize. While on a mission in Romania, John Payne's brother gets killed. Payne (played by Michael … Continue reading The Hard Way (2019)
Mel Brooks once told Jerry Seinfeld some years ago that he liked to eat dinner with Carl Reiner once a week and watch what he called “secure the perimeter movies,” meaning the kind of movies where at some point someone would utter the line “Secure the perimeter.” Two of the greatest comedic minds of all … Continue reading American Assassin (2017)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. This movie is still in theaters. Do you feel comfortable with me talking about a movie that you could go see on the big screen right now? Because too bad, I'm doing it. Young couple Kyle and Tori Breyer have trouble conceiving in 2006, when all of a sudden, a … Continue reading Brightburn (2019)
Back to recently released, high-budget B-movies that somehow got the A-movie treatment. It's a film about giant robots fighting giant monsters. What could possibly go wrong? Ten years after the last major battle of the first Pacific Rim movie, Jake Pentacost makes his living robbing stuff from busted Jaegers, giant mechs with double names that … Continue reading Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)
Right now, you're probably asking why I'd bother reviewing something that made a ridiculous amount of money, featured a AAA budget, and got the major production treatment. It's simple: The Meg has a B-movie heart in an A-movie shell, it stars a variety of actors whose credits include the kind of things I'd happily put … Continue reading The Meg (2018)
As in this girl has special powers due to how she came to be, not that she's giving out presents or anything. Though admittedly, it would be kinda nice to get a present right now. I mean, who doesn't love free stuff? In the very near future, the world sucks. Athlete's Foot has basically evolved … Continue reading The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)
I can sum this movie up in two words: vampire clowns. Ok, it's more than that, but ultimately, it's vampire clowns. Do you hate vampires that act a lot like zombies? Do you hate clowns? If you said 'Yes' to either of those questions, you probably won't like this movie. For the rest of us...do … Continue reading The Night Watchmen (2017)
Let me just read you a few names from the cast list: Michael Fassbender, Charlotte Gainsbourg, J. K. Simmons, Toby Jones, Chloë Sevigny, James D'Arcy, and Val Kilmer. Sure, some of these folks have made some questionable movies, but to put it mildly, it's amazing that they're all a part of this massive train wreck … Continue reading The Snowman (2017)
Westerns don't get a lot of love these days, and weird westerns, which combine elements of fantasy, science fiction, or horror with the western setting, have almost always been a rare thing in cinema. That's not to say they don't exist, just that there are relatively few of them. Even fewer are worth watching. If … Continue reading Bone Tomahawk (2015)
I don't know why, but this movie really makes me hungry for some vermicelli. I wonder why that is... It's the closing days of World War I. The Germans have mostly pulled out of the Argonne Forest as American and French forces wage the Meuse-Argonne Offensive. With the hasty German withdrawal, British intelligence discovers an … Continue reading Trench 11 (2017)
