We're back in made-for-tv land here, folks! However, this time it's not the likes of horror films like Killdozer or Gargoyles; instead, I'm bringing you into TV action movie territory with HBO's first film ever made for the small screen: The Park Is Mine. Starring a surprisingly talented cast and taking place in New York … Continue reading The Park Is Mine (1986)
No, I don't know why Shredder and the Terminator are hanging out back there in that poster. I also don't know why the USA was stylized as a pseudo-swastika. And Contra has nothing to do with this. Yeah, it's another bad ninja movie...which means it's a great ninja movie. Ninjas attack rent-a-cops and steal a … Continue reading Sakura Killers (1987)
That poster is surprisingly accurate. This movie isn't fun at all. Though there aren't any heads in bags. That would have made a much better film. As for this one, it's a slasher film that doesn't slash. The movie begins with Joan O'Keefe letting two orderlies ambush her husband, Malcolm, so they can take him … Continue reading Trick or Treats (1982)
There are at least two battle axes in this movie, but neither of them are ever used to kill anyone. This greatly annoys me. Laura Ramstead, an athletic star and graduating member of the track team at Midvale High, runs a race and then collapses and immediately dies as the crowd, her coach, and her … Continue reading Graduation Day (1981)
Let's be honest. If you looked that good sitting on a motorcycle while wearing shades with a bunch of Japanese signs behind you, you'd probably pose like this too. Michael Douglas knows. Shoot, he's probably somewhere doing this right now. Damn right, he is. Nick Conklin is a New York City cop on the edge. … Continue reading Black Rain (1989)
There are more guns on that poster than there are in the movie. Also, most of the characters don't dress like that, though the hair is actually pretty accurate. The boots are way off though. In general, that poster conveys a lot more action than actually happens in Vicious Lips. A futuristic New Wave generic … Continue reading Vicious Lips (1986)
This is the 1988 film with Linda Blair, not the 2009 Japanese torture-porn splatter flick, you sickos. Though admittedly this movie is so bizarre that a straight forward splatter flick would actually be rather refreshing. Linda Blair and her friend head up to the mountains to visit Blair's parents and to help her friend get … Continue reading Grotesque (1988)
New York City, 1980s. Crime runs rampant. It's up to one man, a cop-on-the-edge, to... wait, is that Leslie Nielsen? Robert Vaughn? John Vernon? Holy crap, this movie is more Canadian than a syrup-covered fistfight at a Maple Leafs game, with extra poutine. Bruce Fairbairn plays Calhoun, a tough cop in a tough city that … Continue reading Nightstick (1987)
I so wanted this to be a Finnish attempt at Red Dawn. Just think, a bunch of American guerillas taking on the entire USSR, all on the snowy border with Russia. Sadly, we can't always get what we want, so instead of Red Dawn, this is a prison movie. A prison movie staring Chuck Norris' … Continue reading Born American (1986)
In the future, Earth sucks, so humans grow food throughout the solar system. Somehow, Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett have ended up a couple working on one of these hydroponics stations on Saturn's third moon, and Harvey Keitel is a crazy astronaut who effectively works as a delivery guy and installation tech. He's basically the … Continue reading Saturn 3 (1980)
