Trick or Treats (1982)

That poster is surprisingly accurate. This movie isn’t fun at all. Though there aren’t any heads in bags. That would have made a much better film. As for this one, it’s a slasher film that doesn’t slash.

The movie begins with Joan O’Keefe letting two orderlies ambush her husband, Malcolm, so they can take him to a mental institution. He tries to fight back, but they eventually capture him and put him in a straight jacket. No slashing occurs yet. A few years later, aspiring actress Linda learns she cannot go see her boyfriend in a stage production of Othello because she has to babysit for an agency. She arrives and finds Joan O’Keefe Adams and her new husband, David Carradine, leaving for a costume party. They stick around just long enough for David Carradine to sexually harass Linda and come close to sexually assaulting her before promptly leaving the picture. Linda meets Christopher O’Keefe, a little brat who loves magic and practical jokes. He pranks Linda. She gets upset. Still no slashing. Malcolm decides to escape the mental institution he’s in and gets another inmate to help. Christopher pranks Linda more. Linda still can’t go see her boyfriend. No slashing has happened at all to speak of. Malcolm escapes the asylum. More pranks. Still no slashing, but Linda has to change into a nightgown because her clothes get wet. Trick or treaters arrive. Malcolm walks around dressed as a woman. Christopher plays more pranks. The slashing ratio still remains zero. More pranks. More no slashing. Malcolm takes clothes off a couple of bums. We’re over halfway through the movie, and no slashing has occurred whatsoever. Linda’s friend Andrea suddenly appears in the film and talks about how editors are the folks who really make movies. I’m sorry to tell you this, Andrea, but I saw The Snowman, and no editor could save that. Andrea watches a clip from a totally different movie, and it’s bad. I think they needed five minutes of filler. Anyway, Linda calls Andrea about some video footage and says what neighborhood she’s in. Andrea reveals her hairdresser is over there, in the middle of the rich neighborhood, and she was going over there. To get her hair done. On Halloween night. In the rich neighborhood. Still not a sign of a single slashing. Christopher pranks Linda some more. Seriously, half of this movie is made up of his pranks. Malcolm arrives, but Linda and Christopher are in a totally different section of the house. Andrea arrives, and BOOM! WE FINALLY GOT OUR SLASHING! It’s over 2/3 of the way through the film. I just spent an hour waiting for this. And now no more slashing. Linda wanders around, oblivious. Christopher pranks Linda more. Finally, Malcolm shows up and chases Linda. Eventually Linda and Christopher hide in his room with some kind of plan involving a fake gun and a working guillotine, but Malcolm comes in from the wrong side of the room and accidentally trips, falls, and manages to nearly behead himself. Linda goes to call the police, and the movie ends with Christopher probably stabbing her to death.

I don’t really want to call this a slasher because there is so little slashing. This guy’s kill/death ratio is 1:1, which is nothing short of terrible. Instead, I spent most of 90 minutes watching an annoying kid prank a babysitter in a nightgown. Guys, you just made Final Exam seem competent.

Yeah, Trick or Treats is the worst slasher film I’ve ever seen, because there is no slashing. Instead, I got boredom, some attempts at commentary about the film industry and horror, an early fumbling attempt at a meta-horror film, and shit all else worth watching. There isn’t really anything noteworthy about the film to judge it on. Movies like this are why I drink.

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