Battle Queen 2020 (2001)

Yet another example of an awesome movie poster (if not also totally ridiculous) that doesn’t actually represent what the movie is about in any way…well, outside of that costume. She really does wear that, except for whatever the weird armor shoulder pad and fur cape is. Also, there are no futuristic guns in this, folks mainly just use pistols.

A meteor hits the Earth in full bad CG glory and reduces it to an icy wasteland. The vast majority of the population is wiped out, with the rest being driven underground and forced to fight over whatever dwindling supplies are made. In the remains of one city, a group known as the Elite run things and sometimes help out the people below, but they mainly spend their times having bland parties and lots of sex with women taken from the underground to be trained as mistresses. Gayle is one such woman, and she rises to the top, only to soon discover that the Elite are staying youthful through the theft of pituitary glands from people in the underground. Gayle leaves with a kid and joins the rebel Joad, who then leads a raid to dethrone the Elite. They then take the denizens of the underground and lead them to a new city, where the kid becomes queen of bad CG civilization or some shit, I don’t know. I checked out on the plot a while back.

What do you call a movie with bad fight choreography, bad writing, overindulgent writing, lackluster set design, near constant shots of women in underwear or naked for nearly no reason, and sex scenes that show stuff but don’t show everything and imply a lot? Softcore pornography. Guess what Battle Queen 2020 is. The heroine, Gayle, spends probably half of this movie either naked, nearly naked, or in one weird scene, participating in her own wet t-shirt contest to recover from hypothermia. Most of the time when she’s actually wearing clothes, she’s not wearing underwear, so get used to it; you’re gonna be seeing a lot of Gayle by the end of this movie, and not just her. That’s ok, because it kinda-sorta makes up for the slow fight choreography and video editing.

What if I told you that Battle Queen 2020 wanted to be a martial arts action film? Because it totally does. We get training shots, duels, quick fights as the tougher folks show off their skills, and a final duel involving a guy with a cane and a gunshot wound taking on a dominatrix armed with two pairs of nunchucks. Take whatever you are thinking about how awesome that must be and slow it down to about half speed. Now add a bunch of ridiculous spinning back fists and kicks. Yeah, you’re getting an idea for how terrible the fight scenes are. Of course, it comes with the requisite characters declaring how good others are at fighting, possibly then followed by a sex scene. The movie wants to make sure you remember exactly what kind of movie it is.

The most ridiculous thing you will see here though is a scene where a guy gets his face impaled on the dominatrix lady’s pointed metal bra. None of that sounds comfortable. The villains’ henchmen in this movie are horrendously inept, and their over-the-top masters don’t seem to want to do much to improve them beyond letting them get beat up by said dominatrix. Thank God the run time is less than 90 minutes.

About the one thing this movie has as a claim to fame is that the lead, Gayle, is played by Julie Strain, and the trailer advertises her work in Heavy Metal 2000. It also makes this movie seem way more action packed than it actually is.

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