Evils of the Night (1985)

Take a bunch of mad scientist vampires, a rural hospital, a bunch of horny college students, a lake, two mechanics as dumb as they are evil, and a whole bunch of sex, and you get Evils of the Night, a movie that features many spectacular actors and that I guarantee they never put on their resume. There’s enough sex that author Gregory Mank referred to it as a “porno horror” movie. Nah, porn has a better budget.

Basically a group of horny college students are out swimming by the lake, getting naked, having sex, and making ridiculous jokes and sexual banter with each other. Then the evil mechanics show up in ski masks, kidnap or kill them, and take them to a nearby hospital. Inside the hospital, alien mad scientists drain the students’ blood because it will help them prolong their lives. They also wear shiny uniforms and rings. Some teenagers get taken prisoner, but the aliens are under some kind of bureaucracy which keeps rigid time tables, so they bail while the mechanics try to rape and murder the last college kids. The aliens decide in some weird act of mercy to kill the mechanics as they fly off in space in a stolen Battlestar Galactica scene played in reverse.

No, that plot didn’t make sense. Nor does this cast: Neville Brand, Aldo Ray, Julie Newmar, John Carradine, and Tina Louise are all in this movie, alongside some porn stars. If you’re wondering how in the hell that happened, you’re not the only one. All I can say is that I hope the budget went to paying all that talent, because I certainly didn’t see it on screen.

How bad is the budget? Well, besides the ripped spaceship footage and the cheesy alien outfits (complete with awkward shoulder pads and short skirts for the ladies), one scene involves the aliens giving what are supposedly ‘gold coins’ to the mechanics…except they’re a bunch of quarters. These guys are raping and murdering college kids and thinking they’ll end up rich for what is basically the current price of a Coca-Cola. Now I realize that we’re talking 1980s money here, but still, prices haven’t inflated THAT badly!

There is also a whole lot of nothing in this movie. Characters will show up, get scared, and leave, or there will be an attempt to interject humor that will be stereotypical and fall flat on its face. Also, we need to talk about the random sex scenes thrown in, because this movie has a whole bunch of women getting naked and a whole bunch of men who apparently like to do it with their pants on. I get it, guys don’t typically get naked in horror films like this, but it’s awkward seeing a dude still in his Dockers basically dry humping a naked woman in what I think was supposed to be an erotic moment.

Also, what kind of hospital lets a bunch of aliens wander around draining blood? Days go by in this place, and the hospital appears to be fully functional, so what ward is this? Do they actually have a place for this kind of thing?

No way around it, Evils of the Night is pure trash cinema. And that movie poster isn’t how any of this looks, though I appreciate that they decided to rip off Star Wars while they were at it.

Hey, look, a bad trailer that also gives away pretty much the whole movie!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s