School Spirit (1985)

A college student named Billy Batson dies in a traffic accident. His uncle’s ghost shows up to take him to Heaven, but he’s way more preoccupied with getting laid, so he tries to go back to wooing the lady he couldn’t make it with. Hijinks ensue. That’s the movie, folks. It’s over, go home.

If you were expecting there would be some kind of horror element to this due to the ghost angle, nope, it’s pure sex comedy. The “haunting” is played purely for laughs and to briefly satiate the needs of people who were unable to buy actual porn. Every now and again, we’re treated to a bunch of women being topless or naked, and the ghosts of Billy and his uncle may have something to do with it or not. Apparently at this school, some women just get topless. That’s not to say we don’t get creepy rapey ghosts though; you’ll definitely see that too.

I went over a brief outline of the movie’s core idea, but there is a little more going on. The university Billy attends is hosting the great-great-great-whatever-granddaughter of its founder because she plans to give them a big pile of money for a building. The school dean is of course some kind of joyless twerp who hates fun and kids and is both greedy and a sexually harassing jerk, and he hates Billy and wants to stop him from screwing up getting all that money. Of course Billy ends up one-upping him. If you couldn’t figure this out, you haven’t seen enough of these movies, which means you haven’t seen one of these movies. Meanwhile, the actual students are all busy celebrating “Hog Day,” which is their day to be gross, party, listen to a softcore punk band (cause they sure as hell ain’t hardcore), and enjoy a Slip ‘N Slide while topless.

Billy, of course, wants to have sex with the one lady who actually studies at this school, but she demands a condom, which is what he’s looking for when he gets hit by a semi. As a ghost, he discovers he can manifest himself with an awkward hand gesture, so he decides to go back to the land of the living to get laid. Things don’t work out the way he wants, but he ends up meeting the granddaughter lady and falling in love with her, hanging out with the dean’s wild and crazy daughter, and sets up his two best friends with each other, which is actually kind of cute. Now nobody remember I said that. In the meantime, his uncle’s ghost tries to track him down, definitely molests a sleeping woman, and then has sex with the dean’s alcoholic wife. Also, the dean learns the spirit of being an intoxicated jerk, a clean-cut nerd guy learns how to party, and the one lady at school never learns to embrace the party spirit, but she seemed brilliant enough that I hope she’s out there somewhere getting the respect she deserves and being called “doctor lady” or something, because Jesus can these guys just back off and give a lady some breathing room?!

In the end, Billy doesn’t make it up to Heaven in time, so you know what happens? He goes to Hell. …Nah, I’m playing. He wakes up from a coma and is just fine. No internal injuries or anything despite the fact that he was in a car turned into scrap by a speeding 18-wheeler. Also, he’s now wearing the clothes his ghost wore for a very haunted Hog Day, but the condom he died for did end up getting used by his friends. I guess that’s sorta sweet?

If you’re wondering about the quality of this movie, it’s the kind of film where you’ll see the boom mic more than once. Also, it’s the kind of movie where it’s implied Heaven is awesome and has good cigars but ghosts really just want to get laid. And also it’s the kind of movie that makes me reevaluate my life choices about why I’m watching it and not currently on a Slip ‘N Slide.

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