Zombeavers (2014)

Take a joke about zombie beavers. Now imagine it as a feature length production. Yeah, that’s pretty much what you get here. Gotta give it some points for being honest and straightforward.

Basically, Bill Burr and John Mayer are terrible truckers who hit a deer and drop toxic waste into a lake full of beavers. Then, a bunch of college girls show up to try and help one get over her cheating boyfriend, only for said boyfriends to show up uninvited. Then the zombie beavers attack everyone. While this might have been the only thing we got, we also have people who get bitten turn into human-zombie beaver hybrids. There’s even a zombie beaver bear! Soon the few residents of the surrounding cabins are dead or mutating, and it’s up to one lady to save the day, all before Burr and Mayer show back up to screw over everything. Good times!

If ever there was a movie that held onto a single joke as long as it could, this is it. Yet surprisingly, I found myself enjoying this flick. The human interactions are interesting, the characters are surprisingly likable, and there is subversion from the traditional “virginal final girl” trope that we all like to make fun of nowadays. In fact, the real final girl is actually the one walking around topless, having and enjoying sex, and being an asshole to people. Since she was the one I wanted to survive anyway, I’m good. Horror is rule-breaking! Let chicks be dicks! …yeah, that phrase ain’t catching on. I’m sorry about that, folks.

Anyway, you’re in for 85 minutes of as many beaver jokes as you can think of and a bunch that you haven’t yet because you haven’t actually taken the time to try and write a script about mutant zombie beavers. It’s…it’s really one note, ok, but it knows it and gets about as much out of the premise as it possibly can. Don’t be too hard on it, it’s still a stupidly entertaining film. Also, there are dismemberment jokes, because why not?

I mentioned that both Bill Burr and John Mayer are in this, and I believe they were allowed to ad-lib their lines, judging from the additional footage that plays during the credits, but there’s another actor in this movie I want to point out: Jake Weary. Why is it important you recognize him? Because he also appeared in It Follows as the guy who gives the STD monster to the heroine. 2014 was a good year for him, despite how he goes out in this movie. Not that I recommend watching these two together. They don’t exactly pair well.

Zombeavers is probably best paired with the likes of the 2006 New Zealand horror comedy Black Sheep, which is about carnivorous sheep that can mutate humans into sheep monsters by biting them. In fact, if you haven’t seen either, track them both down, have some beer handy, and enjoy them both with friends. Because you are literally watching a movie about zombie beavers, so why not do it drunk?

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