Killer Workout (1987)

Yeah, this is another of those movies with an alternate title, going from Aerobicide to Killer Workout. And oh man, this movie has more cheese than a deep dish pizza.

People are getting killed in a gym by a murderer armed with a large safety pin. Det. Lt. Morgan, a tough mullet cop with a bad attitude, is on the case. But so is muscle-hunk Chuck Dawson, a new employee at Rhonda’s Fitness with his own secretive mullet. And meanwhile, beautiful women and muscular men with feathered hair and nice mullets keep ending up dead, poked full of holes by our masked killer. Also, the sexual harassment and machismo is real!

I feel like this movie is an excuse for people to watch aerobics videos without the stress of knowing you’re actually watching an aerobics video. Throughout the film, you just go back to footage of models exercising. The outfits only change once too, so you know all of this was from the crew filming like two classes at most. Meanwhile, B-grade ’80s pop songs that are totally about sex but unable to say so play in the background. And then we go back to the killings, which are…dumb. That’s the nicest thing I can say about a serial killer who uses a comically large safety pin to take out people.

You know what’s not dumb? Ted Prior, the actor playing Chuck Dawson, looks and moves like he could kick someone’s ass. There’s a fight scene about 2/3 of the way through the movie where he gets his ass beat but still smacks a dude with the wrong end of a rake. It’s a surprisingly well choreographed scene despite the literally everything else of this flick. Good fight scenes deserve better movies, folks.

What’s really going on here? Well, it turns out everything is about revenge. At the beginning of the film, a young model has an accident in a tanning bed. After five years, during which I suppose our killer was getting financially sound enough to purchase a safety pin, people start dying. Once you see the reveal of who the killer really is, you’ll discover that mud can be used to represent burn scars apparently. At least it looks like mud. Look, you’re probably not watching this for glorious plot exposition or special effects. You’re watching this to see aerobics videos. Just go ahead and admit it to yourself, you weirdo. And to add to it, it ends with a character grinning while staring at the camera and holding up a giant safety pin, because yeah, keep the rampage up, that’ll keep the gym open.

So…yeah. Hot people get killed in dumb ways. The cops are completely inept. Everyone is in spandex and leg warmers. Mullets abound. The sexuality oozes out of every sweat-dripping pore, mainly because the guys are constantly reminding the ladies that they totally want to do them. I don’t-

AEROBICS BREAK!

-get who thought this was a good idea. And yet, it’s hilariously awful. This is the kind of movie you watch in a crowd, because it’s so dumb, it needs to be experienced with friends. I mean it. Don’t go to the gym alone.

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