Deadly Prey (1987)

Imagine if the folks in Killer Workout made a rip-off of First Blood. Because that is exactly what this movie is. Now imagine if the inept cop from Killer Workout still had his mullet but ran a band of mercs, and it was up to that private investigator from Killer Workout to stop him, while a lady merc runs around in what must be standard issue camo short-shorts. But don’t feel bad; everybody in this movie wears short-shorts.

The evil Colonel Hogan trains his army of mercenaries by kidnapping the citizens of Los Angeles and then hunting them in the woods. Unfortunately, one day they kidnap Mike Danton, a former protege of Colonel Hogan and the best man he’s ever trained. Danton is a Vietnam veteran with more skill, knowledge, and combat training in his golden, flowing mullet than the entirety of Colonel “Mullet” Hogan’s mercenary army. He is quite possibly the greatest specimen of man meat you will ever witness in your entire life, and gazing upon his oily glory will make your muscles throb with masculine fury. So what does he do to this mercenary army? He dismantles them while wearing only cut-off jean shorts.

But Mike’s girlfriend/wife Jaimy isn’t going to take this lying down, so she calls her father, actor Cameron Mitchell! Mitchell investigates, but Colonel Hogan kidnaps Jaimy, rapes her, and then murders Cameron Mitchell. Then Danton shows up in all his muscular, half-naked, mullet glory and kills a bunch of mercs with the help of Jack Cooper, another of the mercs who was friends with Danton back in the shit in ‘Nam.

Colonel Hogan’s no. 2, Lieutenant Thornton, then manages to take Jaimy back with his own mullet and then kills Cooper. Lieutenant Thornton shoots Jaimy in the face in front of Danton, but Danton is having none of this; he chops off Lieutenant Thornton’s arm. Then he beats him to death with it. Then he scalps him. Then he presents the scalp to a wounded Colonel Hogan, makes him strip down to his pants, and has him run into the jungle while screaming. Then “Never Say Die” by Steve McClintock plays over the end credits. Suddenly you realize you have a mullet and have grown muscles after watching the manliest thing you will ever see in your entire life.

If I must criticize the movie Deadly Prey, the only criticism that comes to mind is that this movie is so absurdly masculine that not only will men enjoy it, women will too. It’s a survival story of shirtless, mulleted man against man. Don’t let that stop you from watching this movie.

Purchase Deadly Prey on VHS. You will want to own this film to re-watch with your entire family again and again. It is clearly the pinnacle of family viewing. You will practically feel everyone in the family’s muscles get harder while watching the sweaty, oily mullets flapping about in the jungle heat of southern California. You too may grow a mullet. It would be the greatest possible thing that could ever happen to you.

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