The Hive (2014)

When is a zombie movie not a zombie movie? When said zombies are in fact a hive-mind of beyond-human intelligence and memory bent on world destruction for the laughs. That’s where The Hive comes in. I’ve had this movie described to me as Memento meets the Evil Dead remake (even the trailers do that), and with names being thrown about like that, I figured I had to see it. So I did.

Adam awakens from a weird stupor to discover he is covered in gross black goo and has amnesia. There’s a dead girl in the closet, the room is absolutely spattered in debris and stains, and there are chalk drawings telling him to remember and that there are monsters outside. As Adam strives to remember what happened, he pushes his mind and realizes he has access to both his memories and other people’s. Soon after, he tries to figure out what happened to a girl he’s into after he knocked her down and caused her to require stitches.

Did I mention Adam is kind of a dick? Because he is, though to his credit, he acknowledges that he is once he remembers his life. I appreciate when assholes realize they’re assholes, and while Adam doesn’t entirely stop being an asshole, well, it’s pleasant to see someone who has behaved so poorly have to realize it, albeit it briefly. He’s also not the only asshole in the movie, as both his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend are also assholes. You know what? Everyone in this movie is an asshole, which makes the next part much more fun.

So what’s up with this movie? Well, turns out black goo makes you join the hive mind, and the best way of transmission is most definitely vomiting. At least that’s what the hive mind thinks, so be ready for a bunch of puking zombie-wannabe drones. This is a movie about puking on assholes. Of course, you can come out of being a hive-mind drone for short bursts, but then you have amnesia and you’re still probably covered in black puke, so, you know, gross.

But this is a romance! That’s right, Adam now has to figure out what happened to Katie, and so he begins tapping into the hive mind while it waits for him to come back. Also, it doesn’t really care what happens to one or two of its bodies; it already has his memories and sees human as just meat puppets anyway.

If you like cross-eyed, puke-spewing zombie drones complete with a guy trying to remember what the hell he’s doing and a love story, well, here’s the movie for you. And if you’re going to complain about how the main character has fallen in love after knowing somebody for like a day, well…you don’t ever watch romantic comedies, do you? Because that’s pretty much all of them. The Hive is like a romantic comedy, if instead of comedy it had zombies spewing ooze chunks. I like it.

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