The Bronx Executioner (1989)

Another misleading movie poster. There’s like one car in this movie, and it doesn’t have a roof…or much of anything, really. But that one guy does shoot his gun over his forearm, so I suppose it’s only half wrong.

The Bronx Executioner is another Italian post-apocalyptic Mad Max/Escape from New York wannabe, only this time we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel as far as we can go. What do I mean? Well, there is the usual incomprehensibility of the plot and bad acting. I mean, that’s par for the course, so how could this be worse than titles like The New Barbarians or 2020: Texas Gladiators? Well, setting contributes; this movie is apparently set in the Bronx, but it’s obviously Italy. At least I’ve never seen a villa like that in New York City. In fact, nothing about this movie seems even remotely related to NYC, taking place instead in dirt wastelands and rolling hills. I kinda expected a vineyard to pop up.

That said, we’ve seen this before, in movies like 2019: After the Fall of New York. So what’s the problem? How about half of the movie is actually from a different Italian post-apocalyptic movie, The Final Executioner? That’s right, folks, the Italians aren’t just ripping off other, better movies. They’re ripping off themselves! Even the title is a rip-off. It’s like Italian post-apocalyptic Inception. Yo dawg, I heard you like Italian post-apocalyptic movies, so I put a post-apocalyptic movie in your post-apocalyptic movie so you can escape from New York while you escape from this movie. Heck, only one actor even came back to film new material, and since it was 5 years later, her hair and body had changed. Not to mention that the cinematography and lighting change too, so you can tell where the movie splits from old to new footage.

All this, and I haven’t even told you what it’s about. Basically the “Bronx” is now a no man’s land were androids and humanoids fight. Since you can’t tell anyone apart, it’s up to you to figure out which side is which, but eventually you’ll understand that you’re following a body builder with a squeaky voice who has fallen in love with a regular human that screwed up and wandered into the war zone. She gets raped and murdered by human androids while the android leader gets off on sadism, and so the body builder teams up with the local sheriff to take the androids down and bring peace to the area. Oh, and the local sheriff was trained by Woody Strode, but in a different movie, and everyone has this vaguely racist way of referring to Strode as “the black man” since apparently he’s the only black man in New York.

Take a moment to let all of that sink in.

Yep, we get racism, rape, murder, sadism, some potential cuckolding of one android by the sadist one, and at least one shot of a lovely Italian villa in what is meant to be the Bronx. This is why we love Italian post-apocalyptic cinema, because what the Hell am I watching?

Also, I love that this trailer has so many random shots of New York in it, because those are so not in this movie. It’s like it’s screaming, “Look how much Bronx we have!” and then not delivering.

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