Microwave Massacre (1983)

I usually prefer my cannibalism flicks well done, but this one…this one was pretty raw.

Microwave Massacre is the story of Donald, a poor schmuck with a shrew of a wife who wants to elevate herself by making fine and improperly pronounced cuisine in her new state-of-the-art microwave. Unfortunately for Donald, he just wants to eat bologna sandwiches. Unfortunately for his wife, he gets fed up one night and murders her with a pepper grinder. This all seems like it could turn out for the terrible, but then late one night while in a half-awake daze, Donald overhears a true crime story about bank robbers eating the evidence and then goes and gets himself a little snack. Once he realizes what he’s done and how good it tastes, he becomes a combination sex fiend/cannibal, picking up hookers, giving them a pounding, and then butchering them up for dinner and for his on-the-job lunches at the construction site, where his ignorant buddies are more than happy to taste his latest culinary concoction.

Yeah, there’s murder, violence, cannibalism, nudity, sexuality, sexual deviancy…and no budget! The major highlight of the film is that it stars comedian Jackie Vernon. While Jackie was famous roughly through the 1960s-1970s for his deadpan style and incredibly raunchy humor, nowadays you’d probably remember him best as the voice of Frosty in the 1969 Rankin/Bass production Frosty the Snowman. To listen to Frosty talk about when he last had sex and joke about how he’s going to eat someone…well, it’s a little strange. Then you get to see him do it. Joy.

Look, let’s face it, this trash flick is crude and filthy, and it knows it. There’s cross-dressing, references to women urinating for sexual pleasure, and multiple jokes at the expense of a very muscular gay man. Reviewers at places like AllMovie openly compare it to a car accident that is completely horrifying and yet one you cannot look away from. You know what? They’re right, it’s a trainwreck. But its vile putrescence is what makes it entertaining to watch. The hilarity here is that this exists at all, and you’ll likely watch it and repeatedly shake your head while chuckling, because that’s all you can do. Do I recommend it to you? No, you’re not hardcore enough.

Though if you are reading my thoughts on a film, you’ll probably enjoy this piece of microwave dinner trash.

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