Ninja Terminator (1985)

That poster makes no sense. None of that is in this movie.

Three students of the Ninja Empire have stolen the three pieces of a golden statue which provide invincibility to whoever controls it. Now the Ninja Empire is after them, but the three students have their own men at play who fight each other like mobsters and never meet because they’re in a completely different movie. But that’s ok, because in the end there is a three-way ninja fight, with bombs and teleportation and so much eye-liner!

This is one of Godfrey Ho’s finest, or perhaps most stereotypical. Everything about this movie is a knock off, from the stolen music (including from the likes of A Clockwork Orange) to the stolen title (The Terminator, seriously), to the stolen footage (from a Korean film released in 1984 called Uninvited Guest. Who knew the uninvited guest was a ninja?!). And when it’s not stolen for this picture, it’s Richard Harrison wearing a camouflage ninja outfit that would make any redneck deer hunter proud and more eyeliner than a goth kid as he baseball swings his katana and totally flips out. But he’s not the most ridiculous thing about this movie.

It’s a Korean man in a blonde lady’s wig.

Yes, he walks around in that wig for most of the movie. When he finally removes it…IT’S ON! The original film Uninvited Guest was some kind of taekwondo version of a kung fu film, and it delivers that same kind of style with way more kicks. I’m actually interested in trying to track it down now as a result of seeing those fight scenes. But those are just window dressing for the ninjas, who communicate via children’s toys and keying each other’s cars.

Oh, and Richard Harrison loves steamed crabs.

BEWARE THE NINJA EMPIRE!

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