Devil Story (1985)

Another one for the bottom five. Devil Story makes Violent Shit look as good as Schindler’s List.

I’m still trying to understand this plot, so please be understanding over how odd this will sound:

Some guy dressed as Peter Boyle in a Nazi uniform grunts a lot and murders people. Then a lady gets attacked by a magic cat when her car breaks down. The lady and her boyfriend stop at an old mansion during a storm to the sweet sound of organ music, and the old couple that run the place and don’t get many visitors tell them about a shipwreck off the coast a century ago. Suddenly, Satan Horse shows up. The lady follows the old man outside, where she bumps into the Peter Boyle knock-off and his mother totally putting corpses back into graves. Then a mummy shows up. Satan Horse kicks Peter Boyle in the head, and the lady impales Peter Boyle’s mother with a gate. The mummy shows up and finds his girlfriend. The lady runs from wounded Peter Boyle and lights him on fire. The lady finds the old man fighting Satan Horse. Satan Horse wonders why he even showed up and gets the hell out of the movie. The mummy shows up with his girlfriend and kills the old man. The lady takes the old man’s shotgun and shoots an exploding barrel, only to discover…IT’S ALL A DREAM SEQUENCE. The lady gets out of bed, leaves the mansion, and finds the sign of the lost ship, but the magic cat suddenly divekicks her straight outta WWE. The Earth eats her like it was snacking on a SlimJim. More people show up, including a guy with a mullet. The movie ends. I officially hate France now.

Ok…that is what happened. Why it happened…I don’t know. Why it had to involve the lady continuously screaming while the old man fires off his shotgun and babbles at whinnying Satan Horse all night, I don’t know. Where the mummy came from, I don’t know. What Peter Boyle has to do with all this, I don’t know. Why Peter Boyle wore a Nazi outfit, I don’t know.

What I do know is that this movie came from France, and the only real moment of competence is that the movie had opening titles and end credits. Everything else was a clusterfuck, from the awkward camerawork to the bad special effects, to whatever that was that claimed to be a plot. The acting was hideous, as was the dialogue, and whoever did the audio work should be beaten to death with a tack hammer for all of the damage you just did to my eardrums.

You know what? Hell of the Living Dead is looking pretty good right about now. Because Devil Story makes Uwe Boll look like Stanley Kubrick.

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