Jupiter Ascending (2015)

I watched this with my girlfriend, and her reaction was, “That was worse than the crap you usually watch.” While I dispute that (thank you, The Night Brings Charlie), I admit that I can’t say she was too far off. Jupiter Ascending is not only incomprehensible, it’s hampered by what should be top-tier actors going full corn dog every chance they get.

From what I gathered, this movie is about a Russian illegal immigrant in the US who cleans toilets discovering that she’s the genetic reincarnation of the matriarch of an absurdly rich interstellar family. As a result, she’s entitled to Earth, and she discovers that the universe is full of farm worlds which are used to regenerate the interstellar upper class via Soylent Green baths. Also, Wolf Cop is protecting her. I think I got that part. It’s the betrayals, the lack of explanation, the small amounts of world building, the creepy pseudo-genetic-incest wedding, the disappearance of characters, and the bad acting that really drag this whole thing down.

Let’s make a comparison: David Lynch tried to do a four-hour version of Dune, a known science fiction property, and it didn’t work for most people. Jupiter Ascending appears to have ideas behind it that are approaching the level of complexity, but The Wachowskis are doing it in a two hour action-packed special effects extravaganza. I actually don’t mind what little I see of this universe, but I have no idea what I’m really seeing for most of it.

And then there is the worst thing about it: Eddie Redmayne. Douglas Booth isn’t great, but it’s like Redmayne went out of his way to try and be awful. I think I’d have survived the picture if he hadn’t done his best to come off like a bad LARPer at a Vampire: The Masquerade convention. This movie won only one Razzie, and yep, Redmayne got it. This was the same year he was nominated for an Academy Award for The Danish Girl. I just…I don’t even. I can’t.

What’s the best thing? Kunis’ Russian family, which is hilarious. They’re the highlight.

Also, Sean Bean doesn’t die in this movie. I am disappointed.

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