Cy Warrior (1989)

I was on the edge of my seat! Until I scooted back, because that was definitely a potential hazard. Maintain a safe living environment folks, otherwise that’s how accidents happen in the workplace or home.

Anyway, Cy Warrior is about a robot super soldier who gets accidentally activated during a poker game and escapes from his giant Barbie box to some unnamed South American country without the most important part of his programming: American patriotism. The US decides they need to get him back, so they send a ruthless army officer (played by Henry Silva) who may have Tourette’s syndrome considering how much he seems to randomly swear at everyone around him. Somehow the feds think this is all a good idea, with only one Navy officer disagreeing. How does the army try to get the Cy Warrior back? By shooting civilians! Woo! That’s right, it’s the Monroe Doctrine of the future.

When our life-size action figure hero isn’t too busy making random robot noises and running from sporadic gunfire that kills innocent bystanders for no reason, he learns about the meaning of friendship from a small boy and love from his older, hot, totally legal sister. In the end, he even sacrifices his own life by standing on a transformer and holding power cables to provide electricity to a small hospital. Thank you, Cy Warrior.

Now for the important question: why is the Cy Warrior’s robot skeleton gold? I realize that the director really wanted to do a mockbuster Terminator repairing himself scene like three times in Cy Warrior, but why gold? And why does he have to dump a bucket of cheap skin lotion on his head to make him look human again? Couldn’t he just smear it on a little at a time?

THIS IS NOT HOW YOU APPLY SKINCARE PRODUCTS!

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