Immortal Combat (1994)

Finally, after years of searching, I have found the ultimate bad action movie. Immortal Combat is the greatest thing I have ever seen.

First, it stars Rowdy Roddy Piper and Sonny Chiba. As cops. Who must take down an evil corporation manufacturing immortal fighters. Who used to be serial killers and spend most of their time communicating in grunts and screams while making crazy eyes at each other. And then Rowdy Roddy Piper and Sonny Chiba fight these guys, while Piper screams and Chiba throws exploding ninja stars.

Once a century, when the time is right, the stars align and the moon turns a lovely puce, and a man is gifted with a vision from the heavens, brought forth upon the wings of angels while a heavenly choir sings its praises, as if God himself had provided sweet ambrosia directly into the mind and filled it with creative fervor. For some damn reason, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences completely neglected this movie and gave the 1994 award to Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump! What the hell were they thinking, when Immortal Combat is the greatest, the GREATEST, film since Louis Lumiere directed L’Arroseur Arrose in 1895. I just…I don’t even understand. But that’s not important.

What is important is that, in Immortal Combat, you will see Roddy Piper headbutt dudes. A lot of dudes. And while he’s jumping around and body slamming people, Sonny Chiba is going nuts with a katana like he doesn’t even care. Sure, there’s a plot…Piper keeps meeting up with a reporter lady who is investigating the evil corporation, while Chiba tells his obviously-adopted blond white girl daughter that she is adopted, and she gets mad…for one scene and then completely forgives him so he can go fight random immortal ninja out in the woods. And then there is grunting. Oh, the grunting!

Also Tiny Lister is in this. He’s also grunting.

This…this right there is the greatest thing you will ever witness. Ever.

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