Grizzly (1976)

There is a bear in the woods. For some people, the bear is easy to see. Others don’t see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it’s vicious and dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who’s right, isn’t it smart to be as strong as the bear? If there is a bear.

Vote Ronald Reagan.

I prefer to think of this as Masturbating Bear: The Movie, because the bear prefers to eat women and breaths heavily while doing it. There is also a lot of creepy stalker POV shots from the bear’s view while he’s sneaking through the bushes and checking out women (one of which is scantily clad). Yeah… Also, it’s a Jaws rip off, and despite being a killer bear movie, there was not one exploding yellow sleeping bag. I was upset.  Prophecy has spoiled me.

Grizzly features a bit of blood, a lot of extreme closeups and jump shots to simulate bear attacks, and a prehistoric grizzly that changes in size from 15-feet to 18-feet and was played by a grizzly that was only 11-feet (which is still massive). They piped in roaring effects because the actual grizzly had been trained not to roar, and they fed it marshmallows and then held one in front of its face and filmed it as it reacted. Any of you guys seen the “bear attack footage” in Faces of Death? Yeah, it’s kind of like that, only not as stupid.

Basically an ancient bear wanders down into a national park and gets a taste for people. So the park rangers have to try and fight it while dealing with a schmuck who doesn’t want to close down the park or give the park rangers any help while yelling at them for not finishing the job, because he wants to be a congressman or get appointed to work in Washington as part of the national parks or some such nonsense. Who knows? The important thing is that the heroes have to take out the bear with no help beyond a bunch of men, a bunch of random hunters, a helicopter, a bunch of rifles, and a rocket launcher that Christopher George pulls out of his ass. Yep, a rocket launcher

The end result is a bear-sized crater. Christopher George, star of Mortuary, Graduation Day, Pieces, City of the Living Dead, and Enter the Ninja, kills a giant bear with a rocket launcher after seeing it maul his friends. Phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal. I admit, I slow clapped.

It’s unfortunate that the sequel, Grizzly II: The Predator, never came out. I would have loved to have seen Charlie Sheen and George Clooney take on an invisible giant bear that stalks through the South American jungle using its heat vision so it can find and take trophies of its prey. That would have been awesome.

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