Snake Eater (1989)

Lorenzo Lamas is a cop nicknamed “Soldier,” a former member of a Marine Special Forces team called the Snake Eaters. But when his parents are murdered and his sister kidnapped, he’ll have to go beyond the normal role of police and become judge, jury, and execution. Against rednecks.

Oh, God damn it, this is a hicksploitation film. Instead of being what I figured would be a cop doing an overzealous job of taking out drug dealers with his asymmetric warfare tactics, I got a guy killing a family with fewer than three teeth and even fewer IQ points between five brothers and a…well, I think she’s their sister, but considering some of the conversations she has, I really, really hope she isn’t kin. It turns out, this particular band of rednecks like to attack people who come up their river, kill them, and then kidnap and rape their teenage daughters for kicks. Because after all, in the backwoods, there are only two things to do to occupy your time: kill and rape people, or pretend to be a bear…which kills and rapes people.

This movie is awful. Hilariously, groan-inducingly awful. It was Lorenzo Lamas’ first time as the star of an action film, so I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but it’s tough. Between his fashionable 1980s mullet, his pitiful one-liners, and his awkward love for sadistic booby traps, I can’t fathom this film ever having been successful. And I really can’t fathom that there is a trilogy of these movies either, but there is. At least the later ones aren’t more hicksploitation. And hopefully they won’t end with a song named after the title character either, because Snake Eater totally does.

Ow, my brain. I think it’s numb from watching this.

Also, the movie poster and trailer show Manhattan, but that’s only the first half hour.  Most of this movie looks like it’s set in Louisiana.

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