The New Barbarians (1983)

This movie is…something. And there is no way to be safe for work while describing what happens in it.

Yep, another Italian post-apocalyptic film, starring the likes of George Eastman (2019, After the Fall of New York, Anthropophagaus, Absurd, Hands of Steel), Anna Kanakis (2019, After the Fall of New York), Giovanni Frezza (The House by the Cemetery), and mother fucking Fred “The Hammer” Willamson from Black Caeser, Hell Up in Harlem, The Inglorious Bastards, and a whole hell of a lot of awesome! He was the second best part of Warrior of the Lost World (Megaweapon being the first), and he’s the best part here.

In the year 2019, a nihilist death cult called the Templars hellbent on committing the genocide of humanity while wearing white jumpsuits with shoulder pads so big it makes the 1980s blush has run across Scorpion, the one man who has ever escaped them. Now, under the direction of George Eastman’s character One, they want to find him and kill him…and sodomize him too. Yes, that happens. Apparently that is how you join the Templars. No, I’m not making that up. There are a lot of jump cuts during that scene, but it definitely happens.

But though Scorpion is a loner, he’s got a few friends: a child mechanic, a wounded woman he saves along the way, and MOTHER FUCKING FRED WILLIAMSON WITH A BOW AND EXPLODING ARROWS! And Fred steals the show, because he uses his explosive arrows to literally blow the heads off people. This is not a good movie, and there are a couple of moments where it gets more than a little awkward and uncomfortable (like the shoulder pads, the obsession with see-through plastic, and the sodomy), but watching Fred Williamson explode dudes while being awesome is definitely the highlight. And then he gets laid. And then he explodes more dudes.

What, did you expect a serious review of this? This is a movie where the lead gets humiliated in front of a crowd of Templars while a guy named One rapes him, and then he gets revenge on him by taking a giant drill mounted on a car and sodomizing the guy right back with it, all while saving a bunch of religious folks who believe in God and have a priest. So, let me get this straight, after the apocalypse, gay atheists are evil, and Christians are good? That is what I think the message was for this film. That, or reclaiming one’s masculinity after being violated or something. Like I said, not a good movie. This is a movie that will cause your jaw to drop and make you ask yourself, “the fuck did I just watch?”

It’s like the creepiest part of the religious right made a movie about the apocalypse and then got Fred Williamson to be awesome in it. I kind of wished it ended with a character shouting, “Thanks, Obama!” at the camera.

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