Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)

Yet another poster that doesn’t make sense. Why are cities crumbling? Why does Richard Hatch have a machine gun? Why is it exploding?

Apollo from Battlestar Galactica is a handyman who ends up caught up with the lady who voiced American Maid in the 1990s The Tick cartoon as they are accidentally teleported to an alternate medieval-style universe by one of crazy Dr. Hartmann’s devices. Once they arrive, John Saxon shows up, shoots Apollo, and takes American Maid to be his blond-haired sex slave/wife as he attempts to rule the world. It’s up to Apollo to band together with the dwarf thief from Hawk the Slayer, a faux-Native American totally-not-an-elf, and a giant caveman in this fantasy/scifi action film from Hawk the Slayer director Terry Marcel… Oh crap, it’s just Hawk the Slayer all over again, only this time without the rocking pan flute.

Seriously though, the fighting team that Apollo puts together fits the exact same archetypes, with one character in particular, the thief, having played his equivocal role in Hawk the Slayer. Unfortunately there’s a distinct lack of silly string and bouncy balls in this movie, which leads me to say that it’s nowhere near as entertaining as Hawk is. Also a total lack of cartoon hawks flying at the camera really detract from the picture. What we do get are more people in body paint and a great recurring gag involving a stolen watch, though it’s really not enough to make up for how bland the rest of this film is.

As for the rest, it’s bad acting, the occasional bad edit to try and emphasize the “action,” and in this alternate universe, everything makes cheesy sound effects. Apollo spins his sword constantly for pretty much no reason, and nearly everything in this world explodes or has somebody hiding in it. On the upside, I did discover a way to perform homemade dentistry using tongue & groove pliers.

If there is one area where this movie excels over Hawk the Slayer, it’s that it has John Saxon in it.  I love John Saxon.  You love John Saxon.  Everyone loves John Saxon.

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