2016 (2010)

There are times in a man’s life when he faces the most incredible odds. When fierce adversity must be overcome. When the fate of the world hangs in the balance and it seems all he can do to merely hold on to the barest thread of civilization with the last fading ounce of his being.

Gentlemen, I have been unto the mountain. I have climbed its peaks and navigated its valleys. I have struggled to claw my way past the shattered bones and frozen corpses of those who came before me and failed. And when I reached the summit, I planted my flag and screamed my name into the wind so that the gods themselves would know me, most favored son of all that is crap and grime cinema.

Behold, gentlemen, the glory that is 2016.

2016 is a 2010 Ghanaian direct-to-video science fiction extravaganza, in which aliens decide to invade Ghana, “the most peaceful country on Earth,” so they can then colonize and take over the world within six years. I know this because I read it somewhere online. While English is the official language of Ghana, there are over 250 distinct languages spoken in the small African country, and I don’t know which one is used. There are also no subtitles, so flatly put, I literally have no idea what anyone is saying beyond the odd English word, such as “space ships.” Which might mean something totally different in that language for all I know, like “I need a Coke” or “This movie sucks.”

Anyway, a local scientist apparently realizes he can see a spaceship on his crappy Mac screen saver, and using the magic power of a 20-year-old stereo system, he can overhear the crappy CG aliens’ plan to colonize the Earth while his iTunes download. He then holds his head and groans a lot. Meanwhile a woman translates an English news report to a woman wearing the same material that her couch is made out of, some guy named Timothy walks around and gets other people to say his name a lot, and an annoying 12-year-old annoys people. I suspect the 12-year-old is the director, for this is a Ninja picture.

That’s right, Ninja is the pseudonym for the director/screenplay writer/DJ who made this and a bunch of other really terrible direct-to-video movies in Ghana. And that 12-year-old seems to be in all of them, so that has GOT to be him. He also likes to showcase his music work a lot by playing it repeatedly during the picture and occasionally just blasting “D-D-D-DJ NINJA” over and over again.

As for the aliens, they’re poor CGI renders of the xenomorphs from Aliens, the Predator, and the T-800 from Terminator merged together with bad photoshop skills and all the CG capabilities of a low budget production circa 1991.

You think I’m kidding? I’m not. Here’s the trailer:

THAT, folks, is the greatest trailer ever made, especially when the baby gets kicked. The best part about that scene is that the Mom is carrying her kid, sets him down, has time to cry about it for a minute, and then runs off. Then TWO MORE GUYS show up, see the baby, fret over him, and then run off. AND THEN IT TAKES ANOTHER MINUTE FOR THE ALIEN TO GET THERE TO KICK THE BABY. AND YES, THE BABY GOES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND LANDS IN A BUSHY FIELD. YOU GET TO SEE THE WHOLE CRAPPY THING. And the lady flattened by the car? CG BLOOD OOZES FROM BENEATH IT FOR THE NEXT THREE MINUTES AS A LADY SCREAMS NEARBY. I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT ALL CAPS HELPS ME VENT AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE. IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE IT.

This may be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. This may be worse than my most hated film, a South Korean picture entitled Teenage Hooker Becomes Killing Machine, and that particular movie has a strap-on dildo gun.  I’m not kidding.

Look, I realize that this might seem backwards for me to criticize after having praised the Ugandan film Who Killed Captain Alex, but that movie had a lot of heart and didn’t spend its poor effects budget on ripping off other movies (though admittedly it did have a version of Kiss from a Rose that seems to be a cellphone ringtone).  Bad effects are bad effects, sure, but that movie had heart that I just do not feel here.

And the best part about 2016?  It has a sequel.

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