Blue Monkey (1987)

No, there are no monkeys in this movie. There is some blue at least, but an alternate title was going to be Green Monkey, and that makes even less sense. In some regions this movie was called Invasion of the Bodysuckers, which sounds like a porno, while in Australia it was called Insect…which is actually exactly what it should have been called, because that’s what it’s about: a giant bug in a hospital.

An old woman gets a plant from a newly formed volcanic island in the Pacific, and the old guy who wants to date her cuts his finger on it. He then a) creates a new disease, and b) vomits up a maggot-like turd cocoon. His bones then melt, leading to a hilarious scene where doctors try to use a defibrillator on him only to end up with a blood explosion. As the disease spreads, the movie’s CDC knock-off quarantines the facility, while the doctors inside make the bad decision to open up the turd cocoon and release the bug inside, which some annoying child actors then feed growth hormone to. End result: everyone is trapped inside the hospital with a giant pregnant insect that spawns a fully grown mate to help protect it, and it wants to cocoon everyone and have its larvae feed on their still living bodies in what is described as an “intensely painful” way to die.

With this in mind, it’s up to one of the doctors, a detective who’s in the ER with his shot partner, an entomologist, and an annoying child actor whose character has leukemia to kill the giant bug, first using butane tanks as bombs and then finally killing it with a laser. Yes, if ever you wanted to see someone attack a 10-foot-tall praying mantis with a weaponized bug zapper, it happens in this film. It’s just a shame you won’t really see it, because apparently the budget was not high enough to cover things like lighting. You can watch this movie, but don’t expect to actually see much of the action.

Anyway, so while folks are fighting the insect and considering having to keep it alive to create a vaccine for the mysterious virus, one enterprising doctor makes an important discovery with the help of two old ladies: getting liquored up will cure what ails you. Seriously, alcohol kills the virus, so getting drunk is how you fight it. I saw this same thing in an Irish horror-sci-fi-comedy once, Grabbers, only there it was an intentional joke. Here it’s serious, they actually use Jack Daniels to cure the super bug which spawned from a super bug, and the whole thing is played straight.

Still, when you can see what is going on, it’s not a terrible pseudo-Alien rip off. It’s just hampered by…well, a lot. Lighting, kids, the script, etc. But hey, John Vernon is in it as a hospital director who acts kind of like that mayor in Jaws! That’s a plus, right?

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